So many have been posting their top nine photos from 2015 this week on Instagram, which got me thinking, if I had to choose one moment from this past year as my biggest highlight, which one would it be?
Honestly this year has been one of the hardest I’ve ever faced. I had a complete mental break at the very start of the year and was diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder. I was completely housebound and unable to do even the most basic tasks such as preparing a simple meal and was completely unable to care for my own son. I was out of touch with reality and found myself wishing that I no longer existed, for the sake of my family and because to no longer exist at all would be easier than the way I was living, which was basically not living at all. I was sure I was going to be committed to a mental institution and I very nearly was. At that point I thought I’d never be myself again and it was hard to see any way out. It was definitely the lowest I have ever been in my entire life but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Not only did I make it thru but I managed to come out on the other side a better and stronger person than I ever imagined I could be. I’m a better mother, a better wife and a more understanding and compassionate person in general. I’ve learned how to be the best and most genuine version of myself. It may sound crazy but I’m glad I was faced with that struggle, what I learned from it and the tools I gained thru it were priceless.
The photo above was taken the first week I started really feeling better, the first week I had hope that, just maybe, everything was going to be OK. The first week I felt like my life was worth something again, the first week I felt like I mattered and made a difference in the lives of those I wanted to the most and the first week I felt like a mother again. It was the first week I felt love and well, anything other than morbid fear, for the first time in months. My greatest moment wasn’t a new house or a new job or an amazing vacation. My greatest moment was coming out of the darkest place I’ve ever been, my greatest moment was simply making it, my greatest moment is the fact that I’m still here and stronger and happier than ever before. I’m looking forward to whatever joys and whatever hardships this new year may bring because no matter what, now I know that I can, now I know there is always hope, that there will always be light and there will always be love waiting there on the other side.
-If you have just started following along recently, I shared more of my struggle with PTSD and Panic Disorder on a previous post. If you are interested in reading, click HERE.
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You are and always have been and will continue to be: A Beautiful Person!!!
Wow, this was a beautiful photo before I read your story and now it brings tears to my eyes. I admire the strength you have to not only fight from the darkest of dark, but also to share it. You are amazing.
Awww thank you so much for your kind words. They mean more than you know. So happy to have met you.
Hi! I found your blog today via Style this Life and was reading through this post and the original post. I have been dealing with a panic disorder for the past 15 years which is under control with therapy and medication. This post TOTALLY resounded with me – the feelings of worthlessness, like nothing will be normal again, the fear of being committed – and then slowly emerging back to life. Wow, it’s incredible to know you are not alone! Best of luck with your journey. Also, this picture is incredibly cute!
Wow 15 years! That is really inspiring for me, thank you for sharing! It really does help so much to know than others are fighting this battle as well. Others, like yourself, who are successfully dealing with this disorder year after year. Seriously I appreciate your comment so very much, wishing you the very best with your continued journey as well! Much love!
This is so touching!! Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much Tan!
Sounds very similar to what happened to my friend. Unable to take care of herself or her family. Loss of appetite, panic attacks…she just sunk into a deep dark hole.
I went over and helped to take care of her and her son while her husband attended to urgent work commitments that couldn’t be put off.
Thankfully, like you, she has turned a huge corner, and smiles and is doing so much better.
I am so glad you are doing better.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. I’m sure it was a very scary time for everyone involved.