Mommy Limbo

• Posted onAli J.
• in All Things Fashionable
• onFebruary 13, 2015
• 2 Comments.

Cardi and striped T:Forever21, Jeans:CK, Sandals:Target

Oxford shirt:Janie and Jack, Beatles T:Zara, Jeans:True Religion, Shoes:Crocs

So honestly these past few weeks have been….well…awful.  Maybe its a touch of the winter blues and the fact I’ve been sick for over a week with the flu and house bound….. but whatever it was it resulted in sleepless nights and a mommy that was an emotional wreck. A mommy that had reached her lowest point yet in this little journey of parenthood. No specific tragedy had occurred which made me feel even more guilty for feeling the way I did but here I am complaining about it anyway. Complaining about a life that shouldn’t be all that complicated. The life of a stay at home mom with an adorable and for the most part good-natured little boy, a comfortable home and a wonderful husband who bends over backwards to make life as easy and enjoyable as possible for both of us. Than why is it still so hard sometimes? Why are there some weeks that feel completely overwhelming? Some weeks I kill it as a mom, I do everything “right” and have a fantastic time doing it and feel pretty darn proud of myself. But then there are weeks like these past few have been. Weeks where no matter how hard I try everything I do seems like a huge failure….. and they tell me this is the easy part! Raising my son and doing it right is the most important, most demanding and most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. It is a very scary thing to love something this much and that fierce love drives me to madness at times. I so badly want to do everything perfectly, be the perfect teacher, the perfect friend, the perfect playmate, the perfect role-model…but one of the biggest lessons motherhood is continually throwing in my face is that I am far from just that…… perfect. It has forced me to see myself in a light I never have before and quite often I find I really don’t like what I see.  Even though it hurts in the moment I’m grateful because it pushes me to be more and be better than I ever thought myself capable of being.  And on those days and weeks that my less than finer qualities surface I hope my love and my good intentions still shine through and will be enough. Enough for my son to know that I love him, enough for him to know that I always try to give him my best even though that best won’t always be as good as I want it to. I’ve realized that in order to be that best possible version of me that I need to take better care of myself than I have been. There are certain things I’ve let slide since becoming a mom that I viewed as frivolous and not important in comparison to taking care of Dex. And some of it was. Motherhood is a very wonderful yet strange journey. I’ve gained and learned so much and yet somehow at the same time I’ve lost a lot of myself along the way. At the moment I’m trying to find a balance between two people…the person I was before becoming a mother and the one I’m becoming after. Trying to decide which pieces of myself to leave behind, which pieces to hold onto and which new pieces I need to add.  So these past two weeks I’ve started back doing two things that I haven’t done in over two years! First,I’ve started back at the gym. Not for anything to do with physical appearance (although having tighter and less jiggly parts are definitely an added bonus) but for the mental clarity and energy it gives me, and second, I’ve started reading just for fun again. In the past two years the only things I’ve read have been for study purposes whether for spiritual well-being or for child rearing advice. (I could easily stock the parenting section at a book store at this point) So I’ve put away all the how-to books for now and cozied up with a few easy, light reads. I will not feel guilty for taking this time. OK not true at all…I’ll probably always will feel that guilt just a little when I take the occasional “me time” but I wont let that be an excuse anymore. The effort I’m putting back into taking care of myself better spiritually, physically and mentally isn’t an extra luxury but a necessity so that I can give that very best version of myself to my son and to my husband. It’s not selfish as my inner self accuses me of being. If I’m not taking care of me I will break eventually, as the past weeks have demonstrated, and then I’m no good to anyone.  So yes I’m doing this for me but in the end it isn’t really for me at all but for them. My boys. Some may say that’s not healthy but those boys are and always will be what’s most important to me. So at the moment I may stuck in some kind of weird mommy limbo….between the girl I used to be, the girl I am and the girl I so badly want to be. But whoever this girl is or whatever she may become she will always just be a girl who desperately loves two boys. Two boys she would do anything for. Two boys who are her life, love and her whole heart and the two boys she will spend her life trying to make as happy and full of love as they’ve made her.